HANNAH . P . WALKER
A brief insite into my life.
Hello and welcome to this wonderful world which both you and I are part of. My name's Hannah and I'm learning how to live for the day, embrace every stride and live to the fullest.
Whilst being a 16 year old Instagram enthusiast, I am also recovering from a severe case of anorexia, psychosis, GAD and depression. Come alongside me and join in on the 'road to wellness!'
This time last year, my parents divorced. I found it really, really hard to cope with and slipped into a state of depression. I didn't want to go to school, let alone get out of bed. I lost my closest friends and was on a downwards spiral for which seemed infinite. It had to stop. So, I took some time and did some research into how I could 'pick myself up' alongside talking to professionals, I changed my diet dramatically. I stopped eating 'ugly' foods with no nutritional or health values and started to explore 'feel good foods' loaded with vitamins and nutrients which would help me feel better and raise my mood.
Though I still like to treat myself, I lead a pescatarian diet (Although I have no problem with cooking meat products for my family). For those who don't know what this is, it's where you lead a 'vegetarian' diet but still eat organic fresh fish to insure my protein levels are high. I suffer from GAD and panic disorder, which are both different types of anxiety disorders. I had my first episode around a year ago and since, my condition has fluctuated regarding different situations and circumstances. Currently I am suffering badly, having at least 75% of my week days having had an attack or experienced symptoms. Having attacks day after day makes me extremely tired, lethargic and stressed. My sleep pattern tends to be forgotten and I often feel so sick that I have to make myself eat in order to feel better and keep my sugar levels up. Whilst all this was going on, my healthy eating became an obsession and orthorexia came into play. It kept spiralling down and out of control until it turned to anorexia. It got so bad, to the point where I was hospitalised and then after, put into an adolescent unit after loosing 25-30% of my beginning weight. I never intended to loose weight, never had a motive or wanted to be skinny. Some things in life happen, and they're unfortunate sadly. But everything can be changed, and that is what I intend to do!
However, that Christmas, I became unwell again, not with anorexia this time, but with some unknown illness. The doctors didn't know what was wrong with me, my parents didn't know, I didn't know. I had voices, delusions, hallucinations all sorts of things. I believed all food was poisoned to get me, and that the Taliban were after me, my friends and my family. I saw my friends gravestones in the grass, I saw my best friend hanging from a tree, I saw crows, aeroplanes bombing. I could smell and taste the sour stench of the smoke. To me, this was real. And this was happening. I was terrified of going outside. I was living in my own war zone, between myself and my head.
So, the decision was made, and I was sent to a psychiatric unit in London, 2 hours away from my home. I was taken, and placed in a hospital with stimulating walls, dirty floors, and I had no way out. I was on 1:1, so I had someone watching me breath, sleep, bathe and eat. This carried on for 7 weeks, until they finally gave me a diagnosis, to my relief. psychosis. I was then transferred to a hospital, closer to my home! YAY!!!!! This is the unit which I'd been in before, and sadly, it was a relief to be back. After 7 month in intensive care, I was finally discharged on the 26th of August! Now is when my life really begins.
My Intensions on this Website.
I originally started my blog when I got into cooking, which was around August 2014. I only started so that my mum could easily access my recipes. After awhile, I began to post blogs, as a form of therapy. Expressing my thoughts, feelings and experiences right here allowed me to find confidence in myself again, even may it just be on the internet. Somehow, sharing my words with complete strangers has become relaxing. I have very low expectations on how far any of this information will go, wether it just be that you read a book I recommend or try a new food that a post, it doesn't matter. If I can make a small impact, just a tiny, minuscule impact on someones life, then I will have done myself justice in this world.